Post by Padfoot ♥ on Mar 17, 2007 7:23:02 GMT -5
Teh maroodurs are noodleheads. That is all I will say. ^^
(And that my fanfictions suck.
)
Here we go. Marauder Fifth year, I probably screwed up something with times and ages but oh well. They are on the train. And this is only the first prank- you will have a lot more brain damage by the time your done reading the next part/chapter, I ensure you. (Probably is too short to be called a chapter.)
Teh maroodurs boarded the trains.
sirius woz like "ohmagawd ah wub pig pimples!" and remus wuz like "its hogwarts n00b lol lewzar" and james waz like "lmao lets go shove a pencil up snapes nose" and petah wuz like "rofl lets shove pencils up our nozes too! i already did c? what choo lookin' at?''
and tah maroodurs finally realize peter is a bit whacked in the head
or else he is smokin sumthin pretty dxmn hard year round.
cut to professor sprout's "forbidden" greenhouse.
remus: "hey professor why is your house liek smokin?"
proffmeister: "coz it's on fiear boy! raise tah roof!"
and then proffmeister sprout and peter start to breakdance and say things like homedawg. and everyone who sees them has the urge to stab their eyes out with plastic sporks.
I TOLD you it would be awesome.
Nah, just kidding. Since all your I.Qs have dropped at least five points by now, we'll cut to the actual fanfiction of suckiness- be warned, it's even worse than the first one.
(And that my fanfictions suck.
)Here we go. Marauder Fifth year, I probably screwed up something with times and ages but oh well. They are on the train. And this is only the first prank- you will have a lot more brain damage by the time your done reading the next part/chapter, I ensure you. (Probably is too short to be called a chapter.)
Teh maroodurs boarded the trains.
sirius woz like "ohmagawd ah wub pig pimples!" and remus wuz like "its hogwarts n00b lol lewzar" and james waz like "lmao lets go shove a pencil up snapes nose" and petah wuz like "rofl lets shove pencils up our nozes too! i already did c? what choo lookin' at?''
and tah maroodurs finally realize peter is a bit whacked in the head
or else he is smokin sumthin pretty dxmn hard year round.
cut to professor sprout's "forbidden" greenhouse.
remus: "hey professor why is your house liek smokin?"
proffmeister: "coz it's on fiear boy! raise tah roof!"
and then proffmeister sprout and peter start to breakdance and say things like homedawg. and everyone who sees them has the urge to stab their eyes out with plastic sporks.
I TOLD you it would be awesome.
Nah, just kidding. Since all your I.Qs have dropped at least five points by now, we'll cut to the actual fanfiction of suckiness- be warned, it's even worse than the first one.
September had arrived at last, and with it, the start of Sirius's fifth year at Hogwarts, school of witchcraft and wizardry.
The boy couldn't wait.
Standing on Platform Thirteen, Sirius was almost oblivious to the huge crowd of students milling around, the jabbering of various pets, the babbling of anxious parents. He was busy looking to see if he could catch a sight of his three friends, James, Remus, and Peter. He hadn't seen them all summer; his mother did not "approve" of Gryffindor friends, one from a muggle family, one a werewolf, and one what she called a "blood traitor". Sirius knew she was just making up an excuse for James Potter- she couldn't bear Gryffindors any more than they could bear Slytherins. Maybe that's why she and Sirius fought so often. Whatever it was, she simply rubbed his fur the wrong way.
His mother was standing behind him now, complaining loudly to his aunt about the proximity of mudbloods and purebloods, and shouldn't they make separate sections? Sirius sighed loudly, rolling his eyes. His younger brother, Regulus, looked at him reproachfully and elbowed him in the stomach (the only place he could reach on his much taller brother). Sirius shoved him back so hard he went careening into a young Anna Abbott.
Suddenly, the scarlet engine arrived with a shrill whistle and a cloud of steam. His heart lifted in his chest, and Sirius was already moving towards the door when a voice stopped him in his tracks. Feeling of ecstasy already wilting, Sirius turned slowly around. He knew that voice.
"I said Black, don't cut in line. I know you're eager to get back to your precious Gryffindork accommodations, but gentlemen before ladies." The drawl of Severus Snape cut into him like a knife. Him and the marauders had been bitter enemies since day one, when he teamed up with Sirius's loathed cousins- Lucius, Bella, and Narcissa- just as Sirius and James pooled their supplies together and bombed their compartment with at least fifty dungbombs. (James hadn't known anything of Sirius's family except their reputation, but was eager to cause trouble anyways.)
Sirius scowled at him. The git had a really twisted sense of etiquette. "Snivellus. How was your holiday? Pick up a boyfriend yet? Or are you and Lucius still sneaking off behind the quidditch stands together?"
Snape's face purpled, but before he could reply Sirius felt a gentle tap on his shoulder. He whirled around, and his eyes widened. Lucius Malfoy stood right behind him, seventh year, his head boy badge sparkling on his chest. Speak of the devil. "Actually Black, Severus and I were just discussing your particular. . ." he paused, as if looking for the right word. "Bond with Mr. Potter." He smirked.
Sirius flashed him a pained smile. "Well, you would be the one to know Malfoy. You know, I'd leave you with several more thoughts of mine on your and Snivellus's choice of partners (tell me, do you really put paper bags over each other's heads, like everyone says?) but I'm not sure I'd have anywhere to put them. Cheers." He pushed roughly past him, trying to ignore the frozen look of rage that had splashed itself upon Malfoy's features. Dxmn. Not even on the train, and his cousin was out to get him already. Where was Peter when you needed a human shield?
"Lucius, let me take care of him-" Snape began to say pompously, throwing back his sleeves to reveal scrawny wrists. Malfoy cut him off midsentence.
"No Severus. We'll have our revenge eventually," he said, his voice once again cool and collected. Sirius rolled his eyes. Dxmn, stuck up snake-heads.
He moved down the corridor, checking inside each compartment. His trunk grew heavier by the minute. Finally though, he saw the blurred outline of Peter, who apparently had picked up some more weight over the holidays, throw the frosted glass and threw open the doors. Remus, James, and Peter were all settled in comfortably, discussing the new Honeydukes that was opening in Hogsmeade. They looked up as he came in, shoving his trunk under his seat.
"Padfoot!" James exclaimed with delight, standing to capture him in a rough hug. "Welcome back! Jeez, what do your parents do to you, lock you in your bedroom? I haven't seen your ugly face in ages."
Sirius tried to scowl at him, but was unable to. It was so good to see his friends again, particularly James who had been with him from the start. Sometimes it seemed he knew Sirius better than he himself did. A wide grin splitting his face, he cuffed his friend lightly on the ear.
"Nor I yours. Sit down and give your mind a rest Prongs," Sirius laughed. James made a face, and sat back down, Sirius beside him.
"So, seen any of the Slytherin gits yet? Bella almost shoved me in front of the train, but other than that I escaped most of them," Remus said, smiling at his two friends. Peter and James shook their heads, but Sirius made a face.
"Yup, the ugliest ones- Snivellus and Malfoy."
James looked half interested, half concerned. "Did they do anything?"
Sirius grinned. "Apparently I was beneath their notice for now. Though they mentioned that they know we've been sleeping together."
James shook his head sadly. "Our secret's out then. Obviously we're going to take revenge." His hazel eyes gleamed, and Peter perked up excitedly.
"I say we tie Snape to the girl's loo stall again!" he blurted eagerly. James and Sirius laughed, but Remus looked surprised. Obviously he hadn't known about that particular Snivellus Attack. His eyes were slitted, and he opened his mouth to scold but James interrupted.
"Nah, come on Wormtail- we have to be original. Besides, that earned us what- a month's detention each?" Sirius nodded with amusement.
"You told me that was for spiking Evans meals with love potions, which Sirius actually switched with hair loss remedies!" Remus ejaculated. "I mean, the girl had a beard that reached to her shoes and a mane that could top the Gryffindor's lion in the time it took her to run to the hospital wing!"
"I don't think she realized it was us," Sirius mused aloud, ignoring the dirty look James shot him. He frowned. "Though I don't honestly know who else it could've been. I mean, how thick can you get?" Peter fell about laughing as James threw himself on top of Sirius, and they wrestled for a moment.
The Marauders were all laughing good naturedly as James and Sirius exchanged a final few weak cuffs between each other, and then regained their seats. They fell to talking about Quidditch; James was eager to it to start, because they were replacing Gryffindor's keeper this year. Sirius, who was perfectly fine with quidditch but wasn't as in love with it as James was, began to doze. He felt Remus snicker, and poke him, but ignored it. Suddenly though the boy sat up, wrinkling his nose.
"Does anyone else smell something?" he asked, in a slightly strange voice because his hand was already over his nose. A sulfurous smell was filling the compartment slowly. Sirius looked at Remus, who looked at James, who looked at Peter; then everyone looked at Peter. The smell was growing stronger- it was like a mix of gas and some things Sirius would rather not go into detail about.
"Eww," James coughed, and there was a chorus of "blechs" around the compartment. By now the smell was unbearable. Sirius's eyes were watering, and he was the first to stumble out into the train hallway, wheezing. The other three tumbled out behind him but were stopped. Sirius was standing dead-still, face overcome by rage.
"SNIVELLUS!" he shouted. Snape was crouched near their doorway, snickering and holding an empty vial. Seeing them, he blanched, his laughter dieing. But he tried to regain some dignity a minute later.
"All right there Black?" he sneered. "I told you I would have revenge." He stood up slowly, taking advantage of the dead shock the four friends were in, gave them a one fingered salute- and then ruined the effect by turning and sprinting down the corridor.
"Get him!" James yelled.
They tore off after him. Snape was gasping for breath in front soon and the two athletes overcame him with ease. James finally came alongside of him, panting.
"Dxmnit Snivelly, you sure you wouldn't have preferred a more harmless way to die? Maybe throwing yourself off a cliff for instance?" Sirius growled as he reached him. He extended his arm and grabbed the boy's collar, dragging him back.
"Not a bad idea at all Padfoot," James said with a feral grin. Snape let out what may or may not have been a squeak. Sirius and James looked at each other, and without further ado hoisted the smaller pale skinned boy up and into the nearest empty compartment.
"Let me down Potter, Black, or I swear I'll have your heads for this!" he squealed in a nasally voice, struggling. Peter hurried behind him, bouncing eagerly, but Remus stayed behind with a hesitant look on his face.
"On the count of three then." James voice was flat. "Open the window Wormtail." Peter edged around them and did as his friend said, throwing open the latch with extra gusto.
"Hell no are you going to throw me out the window! PROFESSOR! LUCIUS! PROFESSOR! BELLATRIX! For the love of merlin, SOMEONE!"
Sirius grinned. "Hell yes we are. Thats a pretty small window Prongs. Think we'll have to squeeze him through it?"
"One slimy part at a time, Padfoot. Head first, I should wager. Goodbye, Snivellus. It wasn't nice knowing you." Sirius began to hum a funeral march and they thrust their bundle out the window, but the window refused to admit more after his shoulders. James and Sirius struggled for a moment more, and the funeral music became slightly agitated. Snape was still squealing. Finally Sirius grunted,
"Dxmn Snivelly, you've gained weight over the summer."
"Let me GO!"
"Come one Sirius, push. We're almost there."
"WHAT do you think you're doing? BASTARDS. Let him go!"
Sirius cringed. James whirled around, dropping Snape to adjust his hair. Peter went crimson, then white. Remus hastily jumped aside as Lily Evans strode purposely into the compartment, nostrils flaring and auburn hair flying out in waves behind her. Her green eyes flashed. Snape took the opportunity to shove his head back from the window.
"Don't just stand there Evans, help! Help help help! They're lunatics!"
"You think I don't know that? DON'T MOVE SIRIUS." Sirius' hand froze as he reached for his wand. Evans had already whipped hers out and was pointing it at him and James in turns. She ignored Peter and Remus. Lucky bastards.
James said smoothly, "Ah Evans. So nice to see you. How were your holidays?"
"Shut up. If I wasn't a prefect Potter, I'd hex you so hard your mouth might actually shut for a few minutes or so."
"Impossible," Sirius snorted. He winced at the look James sent him and tried again. "I mean, Oh that's what you'd like to think!" he said boisterously, and was once again glared at by both James and Lily. Giving up, he muttered "Dxmmit."
"What a pleasant little gathering we have here. Lily Evans, Severus, even the Marauders? Well well well, I do feel honored Bella." The smooth drawl of Lucius Malfoy cut into everyone in the compartment. Snape turned red, and Peter's mouth dropped open. Lily looked unsure as to whether or not point her wand at him too, or at Bella who strode in after the blond.
"Severus, get UP!" Bella snapped impatiently. She had her wand out and was pointing it imperiously at Sirius. "Hello little cousin," she crooned nastily. Did we manage to get ourselves into trouble already? That won't do at all."
Sirius had whipped his wand out the moment he heard Lucius's voice, and James had apparently done the same. Peter looked too dumbstruck still, but though Remus appeared to be trying to sink into the floor, he also had his wand out.
"I think we need to teach our friends a lesson," Lucius drawled. "Little Miss Prefect here too, just for getting in our way."
"What the hell is your problem? I was helping him!" Lily shouted. Her face was almost as red as her hair.
James intervened, sweeping dramatically in front of the girl, who attempted to whack him over the head with her wand. He ducked, and flung out his arms in front of her. Sirius smacked a hand to his face and saw Remus do the same. Lucius looked slightly gobsmacked as James said dramatically, "Leave her alone Malfoy! Do with us what you will, but the lady goes free!"
Lily shoved him out of her way and he almost stumbled into Bella, who had an interesting expression on her face, Sirius noticed. One of her eyes were twitching, and her mouth was hanging open. James cried out injuredly, but was stopped from speaking when Sirius slammed a hand over his mouth, and Remus helped him up.
"Potter, I think you may have outdone yourself there," Lucius said, looking both shocked and faintly repulsed. "It won't get any of you twits out of a good hexing though. Prepare to enter Hogwarts with a coffee mug for a head."
"I'd tell you that you were going to arrive with a pigsnout Lucius, but obviously no one would notice anything different," Sirius shot back as Lucius and Bella raised their wands.
The Marauders, even Peter, also raised their wands. (Though Remus mock pointed his wand at James for a moment, but soon switched his aim to Bella.)
Lily looked ready to pummel someone, possibly everyone, but she also raised her wand.
Snape pointed his wand at James.
Chaos ensued.
There were shouts of "Diffindo!" and "Densaugeo!" and even "Mulletus Growigus!", and several well chosen swears from Evans. Bella shot at James, James shot at Lucius, Lucius shot at him, and he shot at Snape, but eventually smoke obstructed Sirius' vision and he might've been giving James bunny ears for all he knew.
Gradually the shouts and the yells and the screams, all but the swearing, stopped. Everyone was coughing when the smoke finally cleared from the chamber and the last attacking hedgehogs had been vanished. Wiping his eyes, Sirius looked up and was met with a house of horrors.
He couldn't even tell who was who (well, the largest one was probably Peter, but other than that he was clueless). Seven masses of pink hair, horns, fur, mullets, even duck bills filled the compartment.
Sirius looked down at himself, and swore vehemently. If you could merge Big Bird with the Kraken, he might be what you got. He was completely covered in canary yellow feathers, and his legs had turned into a mass of tentacles. Gingerly, Sirius felt his head. One of the hedgehogs James had summoned appeared to have mated with his skull, and rough spikes were in the place of his hair. He groaned, covering his face with his hands, only to find they had too had morphed, into large lobster claws.
A blob that may or may not have been James and was covered with large green pimples and several pink horns spoke first.
"Well, shxt."
As far as Sirius knew, that pretty much summed everything up.
